A Journey Into the Deep Brown Lovehole of the Cosmos
by ChungusTheThird
Summary: A tale of love, hope, forgiveness and poo.


"The date: 27th of August, 2473. The time: 0700 hours past 4. The atmosphere: rambunctious. This is Captain Jim Sterling, of the USS Chungus, signing out."

Captain Sterling relayed this information to his personal captain's log, caressing the polished hunk before softly clicking it's smooth button. He wanted to click it again, and finally relay his true feelings to the inanimate mass, but knew the consequences would be too dire to comprehend.

"Captain Sterling! Captain Sterling! You are needed on the bridge! Repeat! Captain Sterling!"

He shot up, ready for action, laying down his copy of "Big Bustas And Wet Roodies" and pulling his lightly dripped underwear from around his feet. This wank would have to wait. Bounding through the brightly lit corridors, he caught a glimpse of Lance Corporal Conrad Hanszimmerman's fluorescent moustache. He knew this was the correct place. He was accosted aurally by a verbal barrage of words and noises.

"Oh Captain Sterling! Look over here, we have picked up some strange foreign language on the interradioscanners, and we just know that you'll be able to help us!"

The voice belonged to his dashing and uncomparably sexy female alien, Wardrox, who was staring at the interradioscanners with a look of shocked bemusement.

"Damn right!" Lance Corporal Conrad Hanszimmerperson MD snapped in the Captain's direction, vibrating his brassy beard in the process, "these bastards been shooting us some untranslatable sass for the best part of an hour now, Cap'n!"

"It's all right, men. At ease. I'm sure they mean us no harm, now what's the progress on the scanning of Planet A-RHO-SIGMA-ALBATROSS?" The Captain replied, his still sturdy and engorged erection pointing accusatively at the monitors.

"None, as of yet, sir. We're finding it difficult to penetrate their quivering membrane."

"Quivering, Conrad? In what was is it quivering?" The Captain replied, confused.

"We don't know, sir. It looks to be attempting to pass something through to us."

Almost on cue, the monitors cut to static before each light the USS Chungus' cutting out. Suddenly, a strange noise was heard, like a fart erupting from the bowels of a lesser demon. Silence again, before the noise reappeared, sounding almost as if clearing it's feces-covered hell-throat.

"Ptheople of the U-Eth-Eth Chunguth! You have committed a great crime, for tonithe was the nithe of the great pathing of the holy poo!

We are horrithied to hath been thpied upon tho thelfisly, and the punithment for thuch a trethpath is death!"

A single light flickered on, the one illuminating the front windscreen. Suddenly, the once peaceful looking planet they had been so carefully studying burst asunder, revealing a small brown volcano. Out from the volcano shot thousands of small, chocolatey chunks, which slowly disintegrated, until all that could be seen was a large pooey cloud.

"W-what have we done? Who are you?!" The Captain shouted, his erection slowly wilting from fright.

"You hath made it nervouth, mithter Sterling." The fart-voice replied, trumping in a slow and somber manner. "The theremony requireth the holy one not to be watched, for, ath the prophethy sayeth, a nervouth poo maketh for a nervouth poo harvetht! For thuch intholenth, we mutht make an offering to the holy one, and for that dubiouth honour, we hath chothen you."

With a flash, power was shot back into the ship, and the Captain looked up to see his poor, sweet first staring back at him.

"Oh Captain!" First Mate Holmes exclaimed, visibly shaken. His tight sailor suit had obviously been put on in a hurry, as his white nightcap still rest lazily upon his slowly balding head. "I was just asleep in my bed dreaming of teaching children to ride bikes made of jam and this terrible noise woke me asunder! Hold me, if you would."

Captain Sterling held him, and cursed under his breathe. "Why, why must the world be so cruel?" he thought to himself, before kissing Holmes gently on the nose and pushing him away.

"I don't know what that was, but I'm sure as shit gonna blow it's rambunctious ass to pieces!" Vice Lance Corporal Conrad Zimmerperson MD boomed, with a twinge of doubt in his voice.

"I'm not sure we have a choice!" Wardrox screamed, pointing out of the window as something loomed over the space-horizon.


End file.
